I never wanted to be a farther but its been the making, also the breaking of me as a person, white I have learnt a lot there is still so much to learn.

The really strange thing for me for me is how positive generally people talk about having children when the negatives massively outweigh the positives. We don’t all talk about and amazing time at the dentist after you have had root canal but by god we love our children so much so that after they have just tipped your coffee over on to your mobile that resting on your ipad that’s laying neatly on some paperwork you need we still feel the need to say how amazing it is.

Although it is amazing its also equally, depressing, frustrating, confusing and enjoyable so be prepared for the train wreck of emotions your going to have and go through but remember its perfectly normal.

My first words in the post were bold and some might say nasty,  I never wanted to be a farther and that’s the truth.  I was fearful of everything, losing my life, having to be reasonable for another when I wasn’t responsible at the best of times, being able to afford to have a child the list of fears we astronomical.

After we discussed what we both thought was the right desertion we made an appointment at the abortion clinic. Its not an easy decision for anyone to make and we were both like lost, confused and empty individuals when we went in to the clinic. It’s around 3 years since we walked in the the building and although I don’t remember walking in, checking in or any of that I very clearly remember the room.

It was like being in a hospital with that clinical feeling, the beeping sound of all the machines and the eiry green glow that monitors give off in dimly light appointment rooms, quite the contrast to the sun day it was out side on that day.

I remember being left in a waiting room while that took my partner off to ask questions, to make sure that I or any one else wasn’t forcing her in to something she didn’t want to do. It’s something I agree with but if makes you feel like shit, as if sat in an abortion clinic doesn’t already make you question your actions and even if your horrible person for even being there.

I remember going in to one of though’s dimly lit rooms with beeping machines and again sitting down, sitting down was all I did, it was all I could do. I watched my partner get on to the bed, role her top back and peal down the band of her trousers and pants. I watched the lady put the clear lubricating jelly on her belly and rub the baby barcode scanner around, not its technical name I’m sure but its the shape of a hand held scanner and its searching for babies so it make sense in my head. I clearly remember the monitor being angled away from both myself and my partner, obviously so you cant see, its something so stupid but something I remember like it was yesterday. What felt like hours was actual only minutes and we were being told how far pregnant she was, it was at that very point the worst and the most amazing thing in my life happened, I became a farther, a very unexpected farther.